My problem started off when I was nine years old and my mother died. My father blamed me for her death. He said I was the reason she died. He used to beat me all the time because I was feminine and said he didn’t want a gay boy in his life as his son. That started me off sneaking into the cabinet and getting liquor to drink. I liked it. It made me feel good. It took my pain away. You know - all the bruises and stuff I had on my body from my daddy beating me all the time.

As the years went on I drank a lot. I went through school drinking. I would get in fights in school with other people all the time. People used to pick on me for being feminine, so it was hard. When I turned sixteen, I moved in with my grandma. My grandma took care of me. She knew I had a drinking problem. She tried to get me help, but I wouldn’t accept the help. I was going to the clubs when I was seventeen. I was dancing and having a good time. I drank because they wouldn’t ask me for my I.D. Then I met a friend in school who told me she dressed like a female and so she started putting makeup on me when I would go to school each day. Everybody thought I was a girl.

As I got a little older, I started going out with friends to clubs. My friends got me into tricking. I started tricking with different men each night. I didn’t care what it was. I would do anything they wanted me to do. I robbed a man one night and they called the police on me. The police came and took me to jail. I did seventeen years for armed robbery. The man told them I drew a gun on him and so they gave me seventeen years. When I was in the penitentiary, it was okay at first. But then three guys caught me in the shower and they raped me. I made a complaint about them. Two weeks later, one of the guys died. The doctors told me to come in for blood work. After taking my blood work, I found out I was HIV+.

It was a hard life. I wanted to kill myself after that. I tried to kill myself many times, because I felt like I was dying anyway. When I got out, I still went out tricking even though I knew I was sick. Then I met a guy who got me on crack cocaine. He told me if I wanted to be with him, I had to try it. So I tried it and I liked it. I started to do it most of the time. I was going out meeting different men. I thought it was a good thing to do. It was what everybody was doing back then in the 90s. I started going out and robbing people. It was a bad life. One time, I got in the car with a drunk man. He wrecked his car. I had a broken arm and was in the hospital for two weeks. It didn’t change anything. I still went back out tricking, robbing, and going into stores shoplifting. I was stealing whatever I could just to get my high. 

My family turned their back on me because I had a drug problem real bad. I had started getting disability and was spending all my disability checks on crack. I tried my best to go into the recovery programs, but I didn’t like it. I tried going to meetings. I tried to hurt myself a few more times. I took an overdose. I started cutting my wrists. Then I went to see my doctor and he told me I was HIV undetectable. I felt good when he told me the medicine was keeping me alive.

Along down the line, that man I was with left me for another trans woman. I was on crack real bad. That broke my heart so I tried to kill myself again. They put me in a mental health hospital and I was in there for thirty days. When I got out, I decided it was time to get my life together. I had to do something better with myself. I called a Medicaid ride. I came all the way from Roanoke to Richmond. I had been living in many places and states where all I did was prostitute and get high. So I came all the way to Richmond. I had nowhere to stay. I went into this sober living program and tried to get a bed at nine o’clock at night. They had no beds open. It was wintertime. I had to sleep outside in the cold all night by myself. I was scared to death. I was high out of my mind. A girl brought me a blanket outside. 

The next morning I found this program with social services and IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). They came and picked me up at 9:30 that morning. They found me a place to stay at the transgender recovery house. I got high one more time. Then I just couldn’t take it any more because I got high so bad that I was scared to death I was going to hurt myself.

I started going to meetings and groups and IOP. I finally got myself back on track. I’ve been clean now for over a year. That feels good. I go to mental health groups. I go to meetings. I got a job. I’m doing pretty good for myself. It’s been a long journey but I still have a long way to go. I don’t wish this bad luck on anybody. It’s hard with the childhood I lived. The way my daddy used to beat me all the time traumatized me. I can’t forget it. I still have nightmares about it. But now me and my sisters and brother are back on track. We talk now. I have cancer and when I go for treatment they come to the hospital to see me. I hope to God I will soon be in remission. 

It has been such a long journey but I finally did it. It took moving from Roanoke to Richmond to get myself together. It feels real good to have people you can call on and to help you get to work and stuff. Living in a recovery house was hard at first. I was really negative. I didn’t get along with anybody in the house at first. I didn’t like the rules. But it was good. It helped me go to programs and find a job. Now it’s good staying here. I have good friends. I have a best friend here. It’s a good place to come if you need help and if you are really trying to get sober. They have helped me get food and other things. It’s hard at first but later down the line you really get it together. All I can tell you is - don’t give up and keep trying.